(March 1, 2009)

Conflict is normal. Everyone fights in marriage. Even those who say they don't tend to internalize everything. When we light the candles during the marriage ceremony and the "two become one", which "one" have you become? Come promoted not demoted.

Statistics show that 94% of Americans will get married at least once. Therefore, 94% of us need to understand how to deal with conflict. Even the other 6% needs to learn how to deal with married people! The issues are usually surrounding sex, money, kids and work. All people have struggles in marriage with these issues from time to time. Think about your last fight: what was the tone of your voice? Calm and communicating or loud and scathing? The goal of conflict is to bring you closer together, not send you farther apart.

1. Count the cost before you through the knockout punch or the submission move. Guys--sometimes ladies, too--need to do some damage assessment before the "punch" is thrown. Guys really know how to "knockout" their wives, those one or two things that can really crumple them into a heap. We collect intimate data from our spouses over time, store them, then pull out the "knockout" blows during a fight. Guys savor that feeling of victory, but it's not appropriate in marriage. It's satisfying at the time to win the fight, but you gave up the war. It takes away all the gains during the marriage. Don't go for the "kill". The goal is not to win the fight. The goal is to come closer together and understand your mate and their point of view. Consider your words before you do permanent damage.

2. Treat your friends with courtesy and respect. Why is it that we are nicer and more considerate to our friends than our spouse? In marriage, it's the little things. Small tweaks will take you to giant peaks. If you took one thing away from this message, make it this principle. Saying "I'm sorry" and "Thank you" goes a long way. Guys are very creative and courteous before marriage, but lose that "courting" afterward. What if you continued that through marriage?

3. Don't get historical. Not hysterical. Historical. The fight sometimes doesn't end up being about the fight. We end up bringing history into a present-day fight, pulling past hurts and wrongs into the current situation. Using words like "always" and "never" can never be good. Don't attack someone's past...everyone has sinned. When you bring up the past in a fight, you do something that God doesn't do. The devil is a master at bringing up the past, but God focuses on forgiveness. If we are supposed to be like him, then why aren't we?

4. Don't bury things internally. Do you want to be married to someone exactly like you? Usually wives are better at resolving things, but sometimes the bury it, bury it, bury it, until there is a volcano blows up and spews all over everyone, burning them. Don't do that. Settle the fight before you say good night.